The weird world of Thailand

The Dangers of Peeling Fruit
- Everyone knows that Thai safety standards are sketchy to say the least. Men clamber up scaffolding like monkeys, 4 year olds ride motorbikes and plugging your charger in can be a life threatening event. But have you ever tried peeling fruit or veg by pulling the knife towards your thumb in front of a Thai? In my case the knife was grabbed off of me faster than you can say jack rabbit and I was shown the 'right' way to do it (obviously at 27 I had never peeled a potato in my life and needed to be shown how!) whilst shouts of 'antaly' rang through the house. The story was then recounted to family and friends about 47 trillion times. As in stupid farang can't peel fruit. And no one would believe that that really is the way we do it in England. It isn't just me is it? And for god's sake your 10 year old has just taken your baby for a spin and your roof is leaking through your light fitting - is my fruit peeling really the most dangerous thing going on in this house?

The Dangers of Rain Water
- When it rains, and you get wet, the first thing a Thai will tell you to do is take a shower. Otherwise you will get sick. Now I am from England. You spend 6 months of the year wet, and other than the odd cold, nothing untoward has happened from this. But god forbid a raindrop touch a Thai's head (and this is a tropical country after all - you can't blame it on lack of rain). I have even taught Thai school kids that they will get sick if they get rained on, yet have NO evidence to back this theory up. And I too will also take a shower as soon as I get wet now...ya know just in case. But still, the logic escapes me - get wet...go have a shower. Go figure.

The Dangers of Thinking
- The good old Thai catchphrase "mai kit maak" is both one of the most disturbing and one of the most pointless pieces of advice IMHO. For non-Thai speakers it means quite simply - "don't think a lot". It's usually used in conjunction with "mai bpen lai" (don't worry). To put them in context...I have lost my keys and am really stressing about it so a friend may say to me "mai kit maak", or someone at work has annoyed me but "mai bpen lai" Right? So far so good..sweating the small problems is often pointless. The disturbing element is that these will also be used in the case of your boyfriend/girlfriend cheating on you/ beating you up, your best friend ripping you off for thousands of pounds (and probably also sleeping with said boyfreind) and (I have come to suspect) also if your entire family were killed in a freak tornado or such like. Disturbing - yes, but also completely pointless. Have you ever tried to tell yourself NOT to think about something? Try it now. DON'T think about fried eggs. What happens? You spend the next half an hour thinking about them. This is the one phrase that if I ever hear a farang friend say in Thailand I would book them on the next plane home as they had obviously been here waaaay too long.

Thai Pros
- Massage parlours. As in sexy girl massage. God I could write an essay on the bizareness of these Thai institutions, but I will try and sum up the insanity. OK firstly the girls themselves. Foreigners often think the Thai sex scene is full of scantily clad drunk pros loving you long time. BS. That is reserved solely for he farangs. Thai prostitutes for Thai people sit around watching telly all day, and night, usually eating (and usually fat). They don't seem to wear any make up, usually are clad in long shorts and T-shirts, and are generally the antithesis for my idea of what is sexy. Surely the men involved are escaping from wives who look exactly the same, who they have left in front of the telly munching on som tam, to go and sleep with someone who looks the same who is doing the same. And pay for the pleasure. Ok I am not a man. Maybe I just don't get it... And you can find a sexier version of these in the form of the kareoke bars. But yeah, anyway, massage parlours. Bizarre.

The Laws of Competition
This is one thing that I actually do really like as I think it shows a disregards for western business models and focuses instead on good old fashioned small town logic. It does however make little sense and therefore has to be added. Have you ever noticed that most of the time if you go to the hairdressers here, it is on the road with all the other hairdressers (well duh!). If you want a car garage it will be on the car garage road, if you want to eat Khao man gai (for all you Phanganers) you go to the Khao Man Gai road. You get the picture. Common sense through the western perspective would say that if one of these places is better/cheaper/more popular than the others, then the others don't stand a chnace. They would stand a better chance in another part of town where the competition isn't so strong. But then again of course, if it is a khao man gai shop, it has to be located on the khao man gai road. Why on earth would it go anywhere else? Long live Thai competition!

Car in, shoes out
I am sure you have all seen it - the car parked in the front room and the line of shoes outside? Umm, why?